Friday, November 09, 2007

The Hard Facts

The start of November was marked by a 4-day long weekend.
I slept
And then … I slept even more.
Note the lack of blog posts

But – I am back
Ready to write again
Let’s see …

On my last trip to the United States, I was innocently browsing through the intellectual material in the condom section of the friendly Walgreens Drug Store down the street from my hotel.
Wala lang – just browsing

I was reading labels
Educating myself with the differences between “ribbed” and “ultra-thin”
Enlightening myself with the concept of “pleasure dots”
Researching the antibacterial properties of “non-oxynol”
Contemplating the joys of “vibration rings”
Toying with the art of “neon colors”
And asking for a taste test of “fruity flavors” … (a request that the attendant promptly refused to agree to)

Then something struck me
There were sizes !
S, M, L, XL (I guessed that was small, medium, large and “Xcessively long” ?)

In Asia – condoms are pretty much one size fits all.
No confusion
No choices
No need to return to the drug store to change sizes coz’ it didn’t fit
One size – simple

So this concept of choosing sizes was new to me – a cultural shock
I stood there stumped
Looking down at my crotch and painting a visual picture
The labels carried no clue as to what dimensions constituted S, M , L and XL
I had hit an intellectual blank wall
If I chose the wrong size – I was concerned about “slippage”
On the other hand I was equally afraid of “gangrene”

So I took a leap of faith
I recalled all the sweet whisperings in my ear by the sweet little things with whom I had had a sexual encounter in my lifetime ( yup … all two of them)
Then I assessed the norms of dimension that I had presumed after going cross-eyed while inadvertently glancing at my neighbors in men’s room urinals
I multiplied that against the square root of the median of male to female population ratios
Inputted the racial genetic index of Asia
And subtracted the possibility of error as defined in Einstein’s theory of relativity

And finally –I made a choice
Americans make life so complicated
Choices, choices, choices …
I was homesick for my simple Asian life

But then … all is well that ends well
Despite the necessary mental calisthenics – I had chosen the right size
The fit was perfect
I had confronted my doubts
I had faced my fears
I had reviewed the "hard" facts

Travel is full of education and experience
On this trip- I had learned a valuable lesson
Size matters .....



Sidney said...

Ha,ha...I guess your wife is happy! You got the XL size! ;-)

Daguldol Tarakatac III said...

hahaha - i got a text message from a former girlfriend who said that as per her memory, I seem to have purchased the wrong size ....
Yikes !!!!!!

(p.s.-welcome back, how was your trip??)

Anonymous said...

excuse me sir , but i think you got the wrong size (bwahahahaha)

Anonymous said...

Now I know why your nickname is DAGUL

Anonymous said...

If that is really your size, can i please have your cell phone number?

Anonymous said...

that is so funny, dagul!!! i'm surprised you didn't get the glow-in-the dark or the "fruity" flavored condoms. or did you? HAHAHA! Oi...

hey, sidney - i checked your site, btw. you got a pretty cool blog there. pics are awesome, too!


Daguldol Tarakatac III said...

hahaha - I would have gotten the "glow in the dark" except that I might have felt like a LIGHTHOUSE waiting for the ship to come in from the dark ...

and yes - sydney has a great blog


Anonymous said...

curious lang naman ako;
bakit mo kinailangan itong mga ito?

Daguldol Tarakatac III said...

Pasalubong lang po
Pasalubong sa mga kaibingang "curious" din